


If You Only Saw (His Eyes Light Up Like I Adore)

by LAshleigh



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Grocery Store, Asexual Phil Lester, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Transphobia, M/M, Nonbinary Character, Original Character(s), Slow Burn, Strangers to Lovers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:15:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24074290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LAshleigh/pseuds/LAshleigh
Summary: Dan works at the deli counter of Stalter’s Grocery with co-worker PJ, who is inexplicably insistent upon setting Dan up with PJ’s longtime friend, Phil Lester. Dan, who is only just starting to open up about his sexuality and mental health struggles, maintains that now is not the time for a budding romance. Fate – and okay, maybe a few ploys enacted by PJ – keeps bringing Dan and Phil together anyway, and they must learn how to communicate clearly and maintain a level of independence in order to protect this newfound friendship which keeps threatening to grow into something more.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester, PJ Liguori/Sophie Newton
Comments: 6
Kudos: 18





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone, welcome to my first phanfic! It is unbeta'd, so feel free to leave constructive criticism in the comments.
> 
> Updates on Saturdays - this is a very short chapter compared to the other ones I have planned, but I wanted to start with a sort of tester chapter given that this is my first time writing for an audience.
> 
> Title from "If They Only Knew" by Alfie Arcuri
> 
> Enjoy!

_Ding. Ding-ding. Ding-ding-ding-ding!_

Dan lurches up, springing away from the meat slicer he had apparently fallen asleep with his forehead pressed against. He turns towards the counter, cheeks reddening and mouth gaping in horror, only to be met with PJ’s smirk as he leans across the counter, tapping the bell eagerly and pulling a black cap over his messy curls.

“Wakey-wakey, Howell, your shift is over in ten.”

Dan frowns at him, rubbing his face blearily before realizing he’s still wearing the gloves he used to slice roast beef fifteen minutes ago. Blood and peppercorn burning his eyes, he stumbles into the dishes room while PJ pulls on his apron and takes his place as the much-more-alert face of the Stalter’s Grocery Deli Counter. It’s only one o’ clock in the afternoon, but Dan’s Tumblr spiral had lasted a _bit_ longer than usual last night, leaving only three hours of sleep before his seven o’clock shift. He wets a paper towel and runs it down his face, pressing the cold water into the bags under his eyes.

“Alright there, mate?” PJ greets him as he re-emerges into the main section of the deli. “Late night again?”

PJ knows, a little bit, about the _other_ sorts of late nights Dan often has, the ones that involve lying face down in bed, eyes open, mind and emotions blank. He does his best to give PJ a comforting smile.

“It’s always a late night for one reason or another, Peej.” He tries to joke, but PJ just raises an eyebrow, so he adds “I’m doing fine. Just got sucked into a bit of an internet black hole.”

PJ snorts. “Don’t tell me you spent all evening on those Chris Evans fandom sites _again_.”

Dan elbows PJ but smiles in spite of himself. He had never intended on coming out to any of his co-workers, but one day PJ had been teasing him about his dimples and commented that “I bet all the girls love them. Or the guys. Or the otherly-gendered people.” And it hadn’t been a question, but Dan had responded with “The guys, mostly. Only the ones I’m compatible with don’t seem to exist yet.” He had held his breath as he waited for PJ’s response, but PJ had simply nodded before sagely replying “They had best already exist, Dan, or they won’t be legal until you’re past your youthful prime.”

The phone in his pocket chimes, signaling the end of his shift, and he all but books it to the back of the store to clock out. He makes sure to pass back by the deli on his way out, figuring he should at least wish PJ a good shift, only to find him laughing with a tall, black-haired young man who looks about their age. PJ hands the man a bag of freshly sliced lunchmeat and some sort of deli salad, but he doesn’t walk away. Instead, PJ pulls out his phone and passes it over to the man, grinning and leaning over the counter as the man starts giggling again. They have an air of familiarity that Dan feels too awkward to interrupt, and he figures this must be one of the many friends PJ often speaks about (Chris? Dean? Phil? He had heard a number of stories about each of them, but the only person in PJ’s life that Dan actually knows is Sophie, his longtime crush who works in produce).

Much to his embarrassment, PJ glances over to where he is stood, currently frozen next to a case of pickles, and he checks that the young man is still reading something from his phone before raising an eyebrow, gesturing between Dan and the admittedly-attractive stranger, clearly offering to introduce them. Dan rolls his eyes dismissively – so this must be Phil, the friend PJ has been attempting to set him up with for six months, ever since Phil’s ex-boyfriend turned out to be a jerk. From what Dan has heard, Phil is actually pretty cool, which is probably why his mind is screaming for him to run in the opposite direction. He’s been here before, played along with the “I have another gay friend, I’m sure you’d love him” game back before he dropped out of university. He knows just how fast he can fall for someone, and just how quickly he’s been dropped once somebody got what they wanted from him. He’s finally doing better now, and while he’s not sure that he’d say that he’s happy, he’s far too emotionally stable right now to go and get his heart broken again.

Eventually, Phil looks up from the phone at PJ, who is still staring at Dan with his eyebrows raised, and before Dan has a chance to sprint out the door Phil also turns to look at him. Too awkward to stand there and do nothing, Dan raises his hand in a two finger salute, and Phil lets out a breathy laugh, blue-green eyes crinkling around the edges. PJ’s eyebrows, if possible, climb higher on his forehead, and Phil gives a nervous wave, his free hand twisting awkwardly in his pocket. Dan can feel the grin spreading across his face, no doubt accompanied by an unsightly amount of blushing, and he hastily throws a thumb over his shoulder, pointing towards the sliding doors at the front of the store before turning on his heel and briskly heading out them.

The tube ride home takes all of fifteen minutes, but Dan spends every second of it in a half-pout, trying to gauge just how humiliated he should feel about literally running away when faced with the prospect of being introduced to a fit stranger. Sure, he doesn’t feel ready to be seeing anyone right now, but this Phil guy doesn’t really seem like the type to start spewing insults the minute he gets turned down. Maybe they could have even been friends. At least after seeing the way Dan reacted, PJ will probably never try and set him up with anyone ever again.

Sighing, he shoves his phone back into his pocket and heads up the staircase to his apartment. His flat mate, Ellis, won’t be home for another couple of hours, so he flops down on the sofa and powers up the TV before they get home from classes and have a chance to complain about how he’s interrupting their study schedule. Dan adores Ellis, he really does, but they take their exam marks very seriously, and if he remembers correctly, they have at least two essays due this week.

Eventually he closes his eyes, letting the unfamiliar words of the anime wash over him as he falls asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst alert! I promise it won't always be like this lol.
> 
> I realized that Saturdays are better days for uploading based on my schedule, so here, have a chapter early!
> 
> TW: Brief but specific mentions of transphobia, to avoid them stop reading near the end after "she had sent a dog emoji along with three blue hearts and a smiley face wearing a cowboy hat that may or may not have been an accident." You can still catch the very end of the chapter, starting with "Ellis holds themselves differently these days."

“Budge over, Daniel, my Nan and Pop are going to be here in five minutes and I don’t need them concerned about the lump on the sofa again.”

Dan blinks open his eyes to find a harried-looking Ellis, black curls bouncing around their shoulders as they frown down at him.

“It’s not my fault you never give me any warning when somebody’s coming ‘round.” Dan frowns back, pulling the blanket up to his chin and wondering if their friendship is strong enough to survive if he just rolls over and goes back to sleep.

“Sorry,” Ellis concedes, tapping at their phone nervously. “You know I’m not the best with remembering plans. I texted you as soon as Lilah reminded me that they were coming today, but you were probably already asleep.”

Dan props his head up on the armrest, yawning and incrementally moving into a sitting position.

“She’s meeting the grandparents for the first time then, yeah?”

Lilah and Ellis had been dating for just over a year, and although Dan did his best to avoid them and their disgusting cuteness, he had to admit that he was rooting for them to stick together for good. Lilah was compassionate and witty, six-foot-one with short purple hair and freckles, and she brought Ellis out of their shell in a way that Dan had never witnessed before.

“Yeah. This will be the first time she’s met anyone in the family besides my mum and brother. I’m really nervous, to be honest. Nan and Pop can be a bit traditional, and well, Lilah can be anything but.”

“She’s sincere, though.” Dan offers, finally propping himself up on his elbows and nudging Ellis’s arm. “And polite. Don’t go into this feeling like you have to ask their permission to date her.”

Ellis nods shyly, twisting a ring around and around their finger until a knock sounds at the door. They pause for a moment before darting over and opening it, revealing two stout, smiling figures.

“Oh look, my favorite oldest grandchild and their favorite flatmate!” Grandma Anderson greets enthusiastically, setting an ostentatious handbag on the floor and thrusting her coat at her husband, who rolls his eyes with a good-natured smile and hangs it up on the hook.

“Where is that charming girlfriend of yours?” He enquirers, peeking around the corner as if Lilah might be about to pop out of the cupboards. Ellis laughs.

“She’ll be here at six. You’ll have to deal with Dan in the interim.”

They chuckle, sharing lingering hugs with Ellis and enthusiastic handshakes with Dan, and the four of them sit down at the kitchen table for tea as they wait for Lilah’s arrival.

It’s nice, casual and warm-feeling, and as the evening continues Dan can’t help but imagine his own Gran sitting there with them, slipping up on the LGBTQ+ terminology and sometimes asking the odd offensive question but still _being there_ , still giving him that proud smile even as his deepest secrets are brought to light. He shudders a little as he remembers the homophobic things he had heard in her church growing up, but tries to gently remind himself that he has never heard a single rude comment from his Gran herself. Silence in the face of homophobia is wrong – and he hopes that one day he will be able to express that to her – but it doesn’t always mean that the person agrees with the homophobia.

His phone starts buzzing part-way through a conversation about the birth of Ellis’s niece, and he excuses himself to the hallway, expecting a phone call but instead finding a whole thread of texts from PJ.

_PJ (Stalter’s): Okay mate, you don’t have to date the guy, but for the love of God please just clarify that you didn’t run away because of Phil’s weird hand thing_

_PJ (Stalter’s): Because I tried to tell him that you’re just an awkward weirdo, but this kid takes things to heart_

_PJ (Stalter’s): He’s literally been sat on my couch for two hours telling me that he’s never talking to anther stranger as long as he lives_

Dan rolls his eyes, resisting the urge to point out that Phil hadn't even talked to him in the first place, and taps his fingers absently on the screen before typing out a response.

_Dan: Hi phil its true i’m just an awkward weirdo with no social skills_

He bites his lip, finger hovering over the send option for a minute before deleting the text. If he dismisses the interaction without explaining it – _actually_ explaining it – then it’s probably going to become a repeat occurrence, and he can't just hide from Phil forever. He starts the sentence a few more times, deleting each of them moments later.

Dan: S _ ~~orry mate, nothing personal, I just don’t know if I can handle dating with where I’m at with my depression~~_

Dan _: ~~I still haven’t told my parents that I’m gay, and I’m afraid of getting serious while still in the closet~~_

Dan: _~~I’ve just had some shitty experiences with dating in the past~~_

Dan: _~~Quite frankly I’m afraid of liking you too much, and all of this baggage getting in the way of a healthy relationship~~_

He makes a face at that last one, raising his eyebrows in disbelief. He doesn’t even know this Phil guy, and just because he’s fit and friends with PJ doesn’t mean that Dan would instantly fall in love. He rubs his forehead with his thumb, sighing as he attempts one last time to get it right, but all he’s written so far is “Please don’t” when the elevator dings and Lilah steps out, humming to herself as she approaches the apartment door, which Dan is awkwardly sat on the floor outside of.

Lilah is a good acquaintance of Dan’s, perhaps even someone he would consider a friend, but the last thing he wants right now is an interrogation about the conversation he isn’t-quite having over text message, so he panics and does the first thing that comes to mind, pressing the green phone button and holding it up apologetically before Lilah can stop and talk to him. She smiles good-naturedly and lets herself into the apartment, leaving Dan alone with the confused-sounding voice of PJ calling his name from the other end.

“Put Phil on, too.” Dan instructs before he can come to his senses, a film of sweat already dampening the back of his neck.

He expects PJ to at least ask some questions first, but there’s only a series of ruffling noises and a surprised “huh?” before Phil is on the line as well.

“Um, hi Dan.” Phil starts tentatively, sounding far away, and Dan leans against the wall and takes a deep breath before he begins.

“Hi, Phil. So, uh, as you know, PJ has been trying to set us up for months now, despite the fact that we’ve never even met and could very well hate each other. Not that I – you seem cool, but – well anyway, the fact of the matter is that I’m a depressed, closeted recluse who’s still working through some trauma and a relationship is not in the cards for me right now. I would have liked – I mean, it would have been nice to have been friends, at least, but you probably saw me gawking at your perfect hair and perfect eyes and perfect body so, well, it’s probably best if you'd just avoid me for five to ten years lest I die of humiliation.”

He feels a little deflated at that point, snapping out of whatever bizarre funk has caused him to tell those things to a perfect stranger, and he barely registers Phil’s “Wait, Dan!” as he panic-hangs up and begins gasping heavily, the weight of acknowledging all of those fears rising and falling with each breath. He feels a little freer, but a whole lot sadder as well. He had never told PJ any of those reasons for shying away from the dating scene, and all along PJ had probably assumed it was just out of simple embarrassment or shyness. He would have to apologize tomorrow for the sudden outburst.

He slides the phone back into his pocket just as Ellis and Lilah step out of the flat with the grandparents in tow, Lilah towering over Ellis’s tiny Nan as she happily explains her internship building pollutant-analyzing robots or whatever it is that Dan can never quite comprehend. They pause to invite him along, but Dan isn’t sure that he can survive any further emotional vulnerability tonight, and he politely declines, careful to hide the way his hands are still shaking from the phone call minutes ago.

“Watch a movie with us or something when we get back?” Ellis offers, and Lilah agrees, her smile so natural that he nods without hesitation. Ellis’s Nana leans in as she gives him a parting hug, whispering conspiratorially.

“We were just opening a box of chocolates when you disappeared, love. Ellis wasn’t going to save you any, but I wrapped some in a napkin and hid them next to the microwave.”

Dan snorts involuntarily, pressing his hand against his mouth in an effort to suppress his usual ear-splitting laugh.

“Thanks Grandma Anderson.” He smiles genuinely, gently noting the way that she even looks like his Gran, ear-length light brown hair framing a proud, welcoming face. “You make me want to go visit my own Gran.”

“You’d best see that you do it,” She scolds, waving a finger in Dan’s direction as the entourage makes its way to the elevator. “Us older folks aren’t going to be around forever, you know.”

When they’re gone he opens his phone again, typing “Hi Gran, do you think I could come see you next week?” before the wave of fear rises in his stomach, leading him to send a tentative “How’s Sudoku night?” instead. He feels a sudden need to open up to everybody and nobody all at once, and decides to call his old uni therapist in the morning to get a referral to a practice closer to his apartment.

* * *

Gran responds half-an-hour later, as Dan sits under a blanket eating freezer pizza and re-watching the same anime he fell asleep to earlier in the day. He has to turn up the brightness and tilt his head to determine what it is she’s sent him, but he eventually determines that it’s Collin, his mum’s dog, sitting on the couch next to an open Sudoku book.

Gran: _Look who came to join me! Your mum had to go out of town for work for a few days, so Collin and I decided to do stay home and do Sudoku together. He doesn’t have your love for my tarts, though. Or perhaps he does, I guess we'll never know. Wish you’d come visit soon! Love you Daniel xoxo_

After that she had sent a dog emoji along with three blue hearts and a smiley face wearing a cowboy hat that may or may not have been an accident. He closes his eyes, forgetting about the anime for the second time that day as he presses his face into the beige couch cushions and tries his best to regulate his breathing and ward off any impending tears. When Ellis’s Nan and Pop had been here, their laughter and banter filling the silence, it had been easy to focus on all of the ways his Gran could be there to support him if he came out, but in their absence he is left with the ghosts of more somber memories.

He remembers Ellis sat on this same couch, Dan’s arms wrapped around them in the tightest hug he could muster as Ellis’s uncle lectured them over speakerphone about being a “real man” and “forgetting all this sissy stuff.”

He remembers Ellis trembling as Dan coaxed them to send an email to their professor about their classmates intentionally misgendering them, laughing between the tears as they debated whether to start an email sent at 1:30 am with “Good evening” or “Good morning.”

He remembers Ellis padding out into the living room at three am, reindeer slippers and snowflake pajamas, deflating into Dan’s side and whispering “Lilah’s cousins told her to break up with me again.”

Ellis holds themselves differently these days – like their right to exist is a statement, not a question – but they had to go through hell first to get there, and Dan doesn’t know if his unstable self-worth is prepared to withstand hell.

His phone buzzes, a text coming in from an unknown number.

+44 7911 177354: _Hi Dan, I hope you don't mind that I got your number from PJ. I'm sorry if he upset you with the whole setting us up thing. I promise it wasn't my idea. I've got some trauma of my own to work through, but I would still be interested in being friends if that's okay with you. If you're still too embarrassed, feel free to reach out again in five to ten years once you've forgotten about my 'perfect eyes.' Cheers, Phil Lester_

Dan snorts in spite of himself, pleasantly surprised to find that Phil is able to be empathetic and teasing all in the same message.

Dan: _Too soon, mate, hit me up next week and maybe you can join my flatmate and I for some video games._

He hesitates before adding a second message that simply reads "thanks."

Maybe, with the right people by his side, being true to himself will be less of a hell than he's imagining.


	3. Chapter 3

The clock reads 6:15, forty-five minutes before Phil is set to arrive at their apartment, and Dan is physically unable to sit still. His hair is a frazzled mess from straightening it and then haphazardly trying to _un_ straighten it when the end result wasn’t perfect. His bedroom floor is littered with discarded outfit choices, rejected for reasons ranging from too lame to too cool, too flattering to not flattering enough, and every possibility in-between.

The problem is that Dan wants to impress Phil, but he also wants Phil to be thoroughly uninterested. He wants Phil to find him attractive without wanting to act on that attraction. He wants to be utterly true to himself while also being whoever Phil wants him to be. He kind of hopes that they'll turn out to be soulmates, but if they do he'll probably jump town and change his name.

In short, Dan is absurdly conflicted and feels quite certain that however the evening turns out, it's going to be a disappointment.

Ellis comes to check on him at 6:50, watching as Dan scatters video games across the floor, realizes the mess he’s made, and haphazardly pushes them all back onto the shelf.

“Hey Ellis, what’s the least romantic video game we own?”

Ellis lets out a surprised huff of breath, eyebrows knitted together in amused confusion.

“Well Dan, unless you were planning on breaking out _Dream Daddy_ , I think everything else is a pretty safe bet.”

Dan frowns, pulling his sleeves over his hands anxiously as he watches the clock tick closer to 7:00.

“What game brings out my best aspects, then? No, wait - my worst aspects?” He asks, struck by a sudden urge to self-sabotage this potential friendship, and is annoyed but unsurprised when Ellis bursts out laughing.

“I know you aren’t ready to date right now, Dan, but that doesn’t mean you’re supposed to frighten off every lad that give you a second glance. We’ll start with Mario Kart. It’s classic, everyone knows how to play it, and you’re bound to win 99% of the time, which always puts you in a good mood.”

Ellis moves to start setting up the gaming console, shooing Dan away to pick out some snacks from the cupboard. Ellis appears to be on a health kick, if the distinct lack of snack food is anything to go by, and the only food belonging to Dan is a box of cereal and a package of udon noodles. Dan eyes Ellis’s barbeque-flavored quinoa crisps for a minute before uncovering an almost-entirely-eaten party bucket of Maltesers and bringing them back to the lounge. The door buzzer sounds moments later, causing Dan to all but leap up from the couch, and Ellis offers to pour some Ribena while Dan hesitantly goes to retrieve Phil.

“Hi there!” Phil greets animatedly, grinning and holding out the largest bag of Haribo Dan has ever seen. “I was down at Stalter’s earlier and PJ advised that I bring a peace offering, in case you get tempted to toss me out whenever I beat you at anything.”

Dan grins and accepts the candy, trying not to show off his dimples too much as he takes in Phil’s appearance, complete with wide-rimmed glasses and a denim button-up. Dan is suddenly quite glad he decided on wearing a nice jumper.

“My flatmate picked Mario Kart, so I’m afraid that won’t be necessary.” Dan deadpans, the corner of his mouth twitching at Phil’s confused expression. “Nobody’s beaten me at Mario Kart in years.”

Phil breaks out into a smile at that, the warmth in his eyes almost causing Dan to take a step back, and he simply remarks “Oh, we’ll see about that” as Dan leads him to their sofa. Dan takes a hesitant seat two cushions away from Phil, careful to leave room for Ellis in-between them, and hands Phil a controller.

* * *

Phil, as it turns out, is the first person to beat Dan at Mario Kart in years.

He doesn’t even beat him in any conventional sense of the word, as Dan won the first thirteen rounds, including the time he played only with his face, but Phil does beat him when it apparently matters: the fourteenth round, dictated by Phil to be the "All or Nothing" round.

It’s not even fair, Dan explains to Ellis, who is throwing handfuls of Malteasers into the air in celebration of Phil’s victory and decidedly not listening to a word Dan says. After all, Ellis had gotten the blue shell at the very last second, leaving Dan and Phil neck-in-neck, and when Phil had leaned forward to concentrate he had partially blocked Dan’s view of the screen, sending him straight into an unfortunately placed snowman obstacle. A 7% victory rate, which was only that high because of a fluke in the game, was hardly something that could be considered _winning_.

Still, watching Phil dance stupidly around the room, spinning around an equally enthusiastic Ellis, Dan can’t help but feel his heart warming a little bit.

Ellis bids them goodnight at 9:00, packing up their school bag and heading over to help Lilah with some English assignment she had missed when sick the previous day. They log into their Steam account on Dan’s laptop before leaving, quickly downloading a game entitled “Keep Talking and Nobody Explodes.” Phil raises an eyebrow at Dan from behind Ellis’s back, and Dan can only shrug.

“Thought you guys might like to take that competitive spirit and use it to work together,” Ellis explains, opening the title screen and pulling a packet of paper out of their desk drawer. “It’s frustrating, so stop if you feel like you’re going to kill each other, but it might teach you something about communication.”

“I didn’t know you were going into couple’s counseling, El.” Dan quips, flipping through the ‘Bomb Defusal Manual’ with a growing feeling of confusion while Phil clicks through an in-game binder of bomb options.

“You’ll want to start with the first bomb,” Ellis laughs as Phil’s mouse hovers hopefully over a bomb titled ‘No Room for Error.’ “If you’re the bomb diffuser, that means Dan has the manual and you can’t look at what each other are doing. It took me and Lilah an hour just to get through the first three bombs.”

Phil makes a pouty face but clicks on the first bomb obediently as Ellis pulls on their jacket and heads out the door.

“Alright, well it says we have five minutes for three modules, so that can’t be too bad, right?” He says hopefully, pulling the computer onto his lap and twisting on the couch so that he and Dan are facing each other. “We’re beginning. Wait, it’s dark in the room! Oh, the light’s on, the light’s on. I’ve got the bomb. And the time on the clock is 3:54.”

Dan has no idea whether anything Phil has said yet is useful or not, so he looks helplessly at the first module-related page of the manual, which is labeled ‘On the Subject of Wires.’ Phil hasn’t said anything about wires, but given that Dan can’t take a look at the bomb himself, he might as well start here.

“How many wires are there?” He asks, attempting to skim the instructions inside the text box for each possible number of wires.

“One, two, three – six!” Phil responds enthusiastically.

“If there are no yellow wires-”

“There are two yellow wires!”

“Otherwise, if there is one yellow wire-”

“I just said there are _two yellow wires_!”

“Otherwise, if there are no red wires-”

“We’ve got two of them, too!”

“Otherwise, cut the fourth wire.”

“Cut the _fourth_ wire?”

“CUT THE FOURTH WIRE!”

Phil makes a discouraging shrieking noise as he cuts the wire, and Dan’s hopes for their success drop suddenly before Phil starts laughing, wheezing “never mind, it turned green” in response to Dan’s horrified expression.

They manage to get through the first bomb with thirty seconds to spare, then through the next one with a minute and a half left. Dan starts to feel a little more comfortable, a little more used to the relentless ticking of the bomb and the comical franticness of Phil’s yelling, and he intentionally drags out helping with the third bomb until there’s only seconds to spare.

“You cheeky monster!” Phil yelps as the victorious music plays, red timer indicating that they only had three seconds to spare. “We could have _died_ , we could have _exploded everywhere_!”

Dan laughs, adrenaline making his heart beat faster as he tries to sip his Ribena slowly. Phil gives him an annoyed look that is almost fond, and Dan uses a socked foot to reach out and close the computer screen.

“My new therapist suggests no screens after ten on a work night.” He explains apologetically, reaching for the half-eaten bag of Haribo in Phil’s hand.

“Smart therapist.” Phil comments, tearing a gummy worm with his teeth in between words. “I think mine knows that would be a tough sell for me.”

“You’ve got a therapist, too?” Dan frowns the moment he’s said it, already backpedaling before he asks something invasive. “Sorry, didn’t mean to press you more than you’re comfortable with. It just made me feel a little more normal.”

Phil smiles broadly, adjusting his glasses and running a hand through his quiff.

“Yeah, well, I’ve got a lot of anxieties in my life, but I don’t mind sharing about them with people I trust.”

Dan laughs, the sound colder than he anticipates.

“Well, I’ve clearly got my share of anxieties as well, along with insecurities and lingering fears about my sexuality. I guess you heard all about that on the phone the other day.”

Phil smiles kindly.

“I can pretend that I didn’t, if it would make you more comfortable. I meant what I texted you – I want to be friends. Tonight was really nice.”

Dan glances up at Phil through his eyelashes, letting a small smile dance across his face briefly.

“I think I’d like that, Phil.”

“That settles it, then.” Phil laughs, placing the closed computer on the center table. Dan expects him to stand up and start preparing to return home, but he doesn’t. Instead, he tucks his legs up to his chest and wraps his arms around them, resting his chin on his knees and tilting his head at Dan.

“Is it alright if I ask you something?”

Dan shrugs. “Go ahead.”

“Is there anything you’d like me to know before we hang out again?”

Dan doesn’t mean to scoff, but he does.

“So you took Ellis’s communication comment to heart, did you? What do you want to know, whether I’m secretly an axe murderer or if I have seven toes?”

Phil huffs a laugh and rolls his eyes, fond but looking a little bashful.

“No, just like…anything I should know not to do or say, or anything I _should_ do - I don’t know. I have one friend who’s got a terrible phobia of car crashes, so when I go out with her I make sure we can walk or take the tube. Or my good friend in high school was certain that if he didn’t tap the doorway just right, he would fail his exams – it was part of his obsessive compulsive disorder – so I’d try and make sure we left early for things to give him time to tap.” He hesitates a little before continuing. “PJ told me that sometimes you hold people at arm’s length. I’m not going to be, like, upset if you don’t want to become besties or something. But if you’re staying distant because you don’t think that people will accept you, or that they won’t understand…I’m here.”

A warm feeling surges up in Dan’s heart, equal parts inviting and terrifying, and he blinks quickly to hold back the tears.

“Fuck, Phil, that’s really special.”

Phil gives him a soft smile, rocking back and forth like he can’t decide whether it would be appropriate to comfort Dan or not. He reaches out a hand, pats Dan’s arm a couple times and then instantly draws it back to his side. Dan can’t help but chuckle at this, breaking the somber atmosphere as he draws himself to his feet to help Phil gather his things.

“If anything comes up, I promise to let you know. You seem like a really good guy, Phil. If there’s anything – I mean, if you have something where you need me to do something for you, too – I hope you’ll feel comfortable telling me.”

Phil lights up at this, lingering in the open doorway for a split second before darting in for the world’s fastest hug.

“Thanks, Dan. I will.”


End file.
